Exciting News

Exciting News

I know I’ve been a lot quieter than usual online for the last few months, but there’s a good reason: The first trimester of pregnancy has been way tougher than I (naively) expected. Yep, Steven and I are having a baby in about six months! Naturally, I have a lot of thoughts on the subject….

I’ve been thinking a lot about how you’re “not supposed to” share pregnancy news until after the first trimester, when the risk of miscarriage goes down. If we give that rule the benefit of the doubt, it’s to help protect the mother-to-be from having to deal with painful conversations if she has a miscarriage during the months when it’s most likely. But the less-charitable explanations are connected to the way our society tends to treat miscarriages as something shameful, to be hidden away and minimized. I can’t speak for how women who have had miscarriages feel about this. But having just gone through two and a half months of fatigue and nausea, it seemed like it was an extra burden to feel like I had to lie and make up excuses, or try to pretend I was fine when I wasn’t. And if something does go wrong, having an emotional support system in place is important!

Morning sickness is a well-known concept, but I thought if I had it, I’d just feel bad and throw up once in a while. I didn’t realize that another option was constant nausea and fatigue for months. Even looking at Pinterest and Instagram was off-limits, because there’s a lot of food on there, and just the thought of most food made me feel sick. 

On top of the physical problems, I felt like the last thing I wanted to deal with was worrying about how to convincingly lie about why I wasn’t drinking or socializing much. And when I turned down invitations to hang out with a friend, I was concerned that she’d think the issue was her. When we told her the news, she mentioned that she had been worried she had offended us. Obviously she was totally understanding, but I hated running the risk of hurting the feelings of people I care about!

I’m a pretty transparent person in real life. I hate lying, and I’m really bad at it. Poker is not the game for me, because I’m not good at hiding my true feelings about something (my face betrays me even if my mouth doesn’t). There were a couple of people who I ended up telling the news earlier than I meant to, just because I gave up after stumbling over my own white lies. And then I felt guilty, like I had screwed up and done something wrong. 

So it’s a big relief to finally be able to tell the world about this life-changing news!  At this point although there are still good days and bad days, the good ones are outnumbering the bad. Knock on wood that this trend continues!

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8 thoughts on “Exciting News

  1. Here are two comments. The first one is more important than the second, even if the second one bears more on your post, and is longer.

    1) CONGRATULATIONS! OMG you two will be fantastic parents, you’ll be a great mom and Steve will be a great dad and I am just so gosh-darned excited for the both of you I can’t even believe it. Wonderful. Wonderful! I can’t wait to meet the little one. Oh man. Just so… I don’t know. Just so excited for the both of you.

    2) Having had children, and been around moms who had miscarriages… we generally opted to tell people earlier rather than later. The shame that our society seems to attach to it is really misguided, the percentages are not good, particularly as potential mothers get older or who have particular health profiles.

    I had the misfortune of listening to a much older woman (of my grandmother’s generation) break down and just sob, relating the story of a late miscarriage of her own… that had happened at least 40 years before. The rawness of that, 40 years on or more, was overwhelming. No one had been there to support her loss. Miscarriage is a loss and it carries its own grief, and I wish as a culture we would feel it was okay to share our hopes earlier, so that we had more support when they were dashed. The loneliness and pain of a couple who have miscarried early is real; the pain will take its time to heal, but the loneliness at that time should not need to exist at all.

    Now, I told you the first one was more important than the second so go back and read the first one a few times! Congrats!

    1. Brett, thank you so much! It’ll be an adventure, that’s for sure, but we’ll do our best. Hearing that you have confidence in us means a lot, though!

      That is so sad that that woman carried the burden of her loss alone for so long. I’m sure there are way too many stories like that, and it has probably changed some since her day, but not enough. I’ve actually heard of online backlash against bloggers who share pregnancy news “too soon,” before the first trimester is over. And when I was discussing this with friends, they said they had a friend who had told everyone early, and said it absolutely made the loss harder. So obviously there’s a happy medium, but I think you’re right that having support from the right people is crucial.

  2. So happy for you and your husband! Hope you’re feeling well soon.
    Looking forward to seeing the turn your projects take now that you have a little one on the way. Congratulations!

    1. Thanks Sue! I won’t turn this into a baby blog, but I’ll for sure be sharing work on our future nursery, and other related projects that I haven’t even thought up yet 🙂

  3. All my best wishes for the upcoming, exciting time! There is no reason to feel guilty about sharing or not sharing these news with whomsoever. Just concentrate on yourself and Steven. You two know best, what´s good or bad for your family.
    Let me tell you one thing about people´s reaction on miscarriage: if they don´t understand, that they are not free to judge the mother-(not)-to-be, they are not worth a straw. Yes, these people excist; both Germany and USA.
    Most people´s reaction is friendly, but a bit awkward.
    In the end, miscarriage is loss of a family member and the couple decides, if and when they want to share their feelings.
    To say it again: there is absolutely no reason, to feel ashamed.

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